They Didn't See This Coming

There is bad news for all you astrology fans and adherents out there. It turns out astrologers have been screwing up for centuries. It has been discovered that the Earth does not move in a smooth orbit. It wobbles. Due to its wobbly orbit, the Earth has shifted alignment since the Zodiac charts were first written. The charts are now a month off. That means that when astrologers say the stars are in Pisces they are wrong. The stars are really in Aquarius. Worse still, it turns out that they have overlooked a thirteenth constellation, the Ophiuchus Serpent Bearer (Nov. 30 to Dec.17). Astrologers either haven't noticed or they haven't cared. For them the Earth is the center of a static universe and everything in the universe has something to do with us. No doubt that is one of the reasons astrologers can't get astronomers to return their phone calls.

While the news may have been greeted with a shrug by many, not a few are upset. The adjustment necessitated by the new constellation has overturned their lives. Some Libras have discovered they are really Scorpios. They have been living a false life. "I don't feel like a Scorpio" said one bewildered believer at hearing the news. Others are defiant. Despite the news, many who believe in astrology are undeterred in their beliefs. They don't care what a bunch of astronomers say about the stars. Shelley Ackerman, spokeswoman for the Federation of Astrologers, (yes, they have a federation), sought to calm believers telling them the discovery changes nothing. Reason and science have failed to rattle astrology followers but a new constellation and a wobbling planet just might. She noted that "every few years a story like this comes out and scares the living daylights out of everyone, but it will go away as quickly as it came." Leaving aside the assertion that everyone is scared by the news, even if the story goes away the Ophiuchus Serpent Bearer constellation won't, at least no time soon. Neither will the Earth stop wobbling nor the stars stop their rambling.

Some astrologers are going to ignore the new constellation and pretend the Earth does not wobble. Their charts and their signs are just fine the way they are. Numerologists and occultists on the other hand have hit the jack pot.

Curiously, even the best astrologers didn't see this coming. How could they? Astrologers don't use telescopes. Now if the stars will stay put, no one else finds a new constellation and we can figure out a way to keep the Earth from wobbling we shouldn't have any more problems until we get the next update from the universe. We should get that in a few hundred years.