They Didn't See This Coming

There is bad news for all you astrology fans and adherents out there. It turns out astrologers have been screwing up for centuries. It has been discovered that the Earth does not move in a smooth orbit. It wobbles. Due to its wobbly orbit, the Earth has shifted alignment since the Zodiac charts were first written. The charts are now a month off. That means that when astrologers say the stars are in Pisces they are wrong. The stars are really in Aquarius. Worse still, it turns out that they have overlooked a thirteenth constellation, the Ophiuchus Serpent Bearer (Nov. 30 to Dec.17). Astrologers either haven't noticed or they haven't cared. For them the Earth is the center of a static universe and everything in the universe has something to do with us. No doubt that is one of the reasons astrologers can't get astronomers to return their phone calls.

While the news may have been greeted with a shrug by many, not a few are upset. The adjustment necessitated by the new constellation has overturned their lives. Some Libras have discovered they are really Scorpios. They have been living a false life. "I don't feel like a Scorpio" said one bewildered believer at hearing the news. Others are defiant. Despite the news, many who believe in astrology are undeterred in their beliefs. They don't care what a bunch of astronomers say about the stars. Shelley Ackerman, spokeswoman for the Federation of Astrologers, (yes, they have a federation), sought to calm believers telling them the discovery changes nothing. Reason and science have failed to rattle astrology followers but a new constellation and a wobbling planet just might. She noted that "every few years a story like this comes out and scares the living daylights out of everyone, but it will go away as quickly as it came." Leaving aside the assertion that everyone is scared by the news, even if the story goes away the Ophiuchus Serpent Bearer constellation won't, at least no time soon. Neither will the Earth stop wobbling nor the stars stop their rambling.

Some astrologers are going to ignore the new constellation and pretend the Earth does not wobble. Their charts and their signs are just fine the way they are. Numerologists and occultists on the other hand have hit the jack pot.

Curiously, even the best astrologers didn't see this coming. How could they? Astrologers don't use telescopes. Now if the stars will stay put, no one else finds a new constellation and we can figure out a way to keep the Earth from wobbling we shouldn't have any more problems until we get the next update from the universe. We should get that in a few hundred years.

Capitalism At Its Finest

The upcoming Superbowl in Dallas has been sold out. It has been sold out for a long time. Well over 100,000 tickets, officially ranging in price from $600 to $1,200 have been sold. Cowboys Stadium will be packed to the rafters. Standing room only tickets have been sold so that fans can stand in the aisles. Some seats proposed for the end zone had to be nixed due to concerns by the Fire Marshal.

Not content with a packed stadium, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is looking to sell still more tickets. Jones wants to make even more money off the game as well as boost his Texas sized ego by having the largest crowd to watch a game in the history of humanity. The largest crowd in NFL history was the 1980 Superbowl at the Rose Bowl where 103,985 people were in attendance. Cowboys Stadium only holds a little over 90,000.

Since the stadium is already filled, to boost revenue and increase attendance, the Cowboys are planning to sell tickets for fans, or customers as the case may be, to watch the game in the parking lot of Cowboys Stadium on big screen TVs. NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy said the parking lot tickets would give fans "more opportunities to experience Superbowl Sunday." More precisely, it will give fans the opportunity to pay for the experience of watching TV on a January afternoon in a parking lot. The tickets are going fast. I would be surprised if Jones did not assume concession rights for the parking lot as well. If so, fans will have to leave their grills and coolers at home.

Evidently there are thousands of football fans willing to forgo a comfortable afternoon on the couch and pay good money to sit outdoors in a parking lot on a Winter afternoon. Such is the allure of the "Super Bowl Experience". Nothing says Super Bowl like a parking lot in Winter. If parking lot tickets for the Superbowl are a success, it is likely the idea will catch on. The day could come when people across the nation will pay to sit in parking lots for big events. I might finally be able to attend an Oscars ceremony.

Jerry Jones has been looking to make money ever since he bought the Dallas Cowboys. He has done a splendid job. Not only are the Cowboys making a fortune, through Jones' efforts the league is making record money as well. Selling parking lot tickets is capitalism at its finest. If someone ever builds a Capitalist Hall of Fame, Jerry Jones is a shoe in. He makes P.T. Barnum look like a piker.

One can only wonder where people are going to park.